Classic Comedy

I've been doing some spring cleaning and came upon an enjoyable set from a few years ago. It was at Chico State, so it's a bit geared for a college crowd.

Enjoy.

Bob Devich Brilliance Week!

Day Five: More Email Brilliance

from Bob Devich
to Alana Devich
subject Double Scrabble words

I was working my word puzzle, and I found that english and shingle are 7-letter valid Scrabble words that use the same rack of letters. More examples? No cheating, Mark, I know you have an anagram site.

ps- ever since I heard the word 'hubris' on the radio the other day, I am going crazy watching for words from the hundred list. I suggest a point system: word used correctly -- 1 point; word used incorrectly -- 2 points; word used by W -- 5 points; word used correctly by W -- 10 points.

What do you think?

There was an earthquake last night. It woke me up and I looked at the foot of the bed to see how Elijah-the-cat was responding to the whole thing. He glanced at me and then hopped off the bed and sat in the door frame.

Who taught him earthquake safety?

Bob Devich Brilliance Week!

Day Four: More Email Brilliance

from Bob Devich
to Alana Devich
subject Polymath

Polymath -- a person of great learning in several fields of study.

I did not know that. I thought it had to do with math.

Bob Devich Brilliance Week!

Day Three: More Email Brilliance

from Bob Devich
to Alana Devich
subject Don't call

Not to be rude, but don't call me. Why? The phone is set for fax.

Please confirm.

XOXO

Bob Devich Brilliance Week!

Day Two: More Email Brilliance

from Bob Devich
to Alana Devich
subject Save the planet

They sent mom's eyedrops (7.5 cc's) in a 15-lb polystyrene box, 16" X 16" X 12", with 9 blue ices in it.
Save the planet?

XOXO

ps- do you want 9 blue ices?

Bob Devich Brilliance Week!

Day One: Email Brilliance

from Bob Devich
to Alana Devich
subject Re: ms. piaf

WOW.

I love the close-ups of Mme Piaf, and the way she makes the fists for emphasis. This is one of those songs where you have to make the fists. Maybe the epitome of the fisting songs.

And that guy (they say his name is Charles Dumont, but to me, he will always be that guy) banging away at the piano. The looks he gives, as if to say "Who is this broad and why won't she shut the baise up? Can't she see I'm banging the piano?"

And the comments the people made about it. Read these. One of them was written in French and machine translated.

XOXO

Quiet! List Making in Progress

My latest important project has been to come up with a list of my ten favorite Paul Simon songs (not including Simon and Garpoetzel songs). Mostly I started because while I was copyediting some crap my iTunes started playing some Paul Simon. This got me to thinking about my love for the Paul Simon, which got me to thinking about what is clearly the best Paul Simon song ever. But wait, is it?

So far I’ve spent about two (non-consecutive) hours on my list. I’ve come up with three songs that are definitely on the list; one that is probably on the list; and one that is on the standby list. I’ll keep you posted.

I heart that I heart irony

Inspired by seeing a suburban-looking white guy wearing a FUBU shirt, I have begun the painstaking process of keeping a list of t-shirts that are made ironic by the people wearing them.

So far I've seen one:

On an extremely skinny white guy walking up 22nd street toward Valencia:

Samoan to the Bone

love,
Devich

What color is a giant squid?

Everyone's (okay, mostly me) always talking about the giant squid and how giant it can be. But how come every time one washes ashore it's all miniscule and not 100 feet long?

I Guess I'm Back

I've been pretty content to just shrug off how my friends have been telling me to start posting again, but with these words, my dear friend has finally convinced me to get back on the horse:

"Alana Goddamn-Devich, get your shit together and either start blogging again, start a new journal, or give me the new address to where you've been writing and not telling me. I'm sick of this crap."

The thing is this: My last name is not now, nor has it ever been, "Goddamn-Devich." It is "BobDevich". I've changed it from plain old "Devich" since my absence. I don't want anyone to think that I'm the daughter of any Devich except for Bob. So, may I present the new me, Alana BobDevich.

What have I been doing the last handful of months? Mostly practicing my handstands. Oh, and teaching myself Photoshop:



Hugs and Kisses, kids.

Now he's encouraging me

Dad: Do you know what they call the day after Thanksgiving?

Me: You mean Black Friday?

Dad: Yes. Don't you have anything to say about that?

Me: Yes. Racist.

Add it to the list of things that drive me crazy about this country

I was walking through the freezer section at my local grocer and came upon all of the Healthy Choice options. Now, I'm all for fast, easy, healthy lunch options, but I don't see in what world fettucine alfredo can ever be considered a healthy choice.

Happy Fucking Halloween

AKA: what proofreaders do for fun.

Fun with Microsoft

Spell check realizes that negotiotiated is spelled incorrectly, but it has no suggestions.

Accusations of racism I’ve made this week

1.
Me: Why do you think that those guys need to hammer right now while we’re all trying to proofread the newsletter? I think I’m going to take it personally. I think those guys are racist.

Her: Um, those guys are all black.

Me: Yes, but they are racist against biracials.

2.
Dad: I thought you were going to call me yesterday.

Me: Yeah, I was going to but then I didn’t.

Dad: Why?

Me: Because you’re racist.

3.
(60-something well-to-do couple white walking their dog)

Me: Your dog doesn’t seem to like me.

Him: That’s weird.

Me: Have you considered that your dog might be racist?

Locally Famous

I'm hecka famous in my neighborhood's newspaper. Those of you who can't pick up the local rag, can read the article here. Unfortunately you won't be able to see the two pictures of my smiling mug, but you'll just have to picture it. I look like Halle Berry, but hotter.

whoa.

and i quote:

"TRUE.com(R) is the only online dating service and relationship site endorsed by Psychology Today(R). And no other Internet dating service conducts criminal background screenings and single dating verification. Sign up today and make a single dating connection!"

Bush-kus

Baghdad's green zone;
covered in body armor--
Condoleeza Rice.

Weekly school shootings,
Foley's perverted IMs.
No child left behind.

The war in Iraq
will all be just a comma.
50,000 dead.

Korean A-bomb
Abramoff Lobbying Scandal
Blame it on Clinton

Do you remember
The dreariest November?
Oh, those hanging chads.

instant message

amd: what did you do tonight
devich: i got a thai massage
amd: what's that?
devich: it's a combination of partner stretching & acupressure
amd: cool. how was?
devich: it was good. i liked it.
devich: there were a couple of moves, tho. they were kind of like positions i've only ever been in during sex. u know?
amd: like what?
devich: well there have been limited times in my life when i've been kneeling and made to put my hands on the ground and lean forward.
amd: yeah
devich: also, he put his cock in my ass. is that weird?
amd: nah. there's probably some pressure points in there.