instant message

amd: what did you do tonight
devich: i got a thai massage
amd: what's that?
devich: it's a combination of partner stretching & acupressure
amd: cool. how was?
devich: it was good. i liked it.
devich: there were a couple of moves, tho. they were kind of like positions i've only ever been in during sex. u know?
amd: like what?
devich: well there have been limited times in my life when i've been kneeling and made to put my hands on the ground and lean forward.
amd: yeah
devich: also, he put his cock in my ass. is that weird?
amd: nah. there's probably some pressure points in there.

you: why did you do it that way?

me: i just did. when you're my age you'll understand.

you: how old are you?

me: thirty.

you: i'm older than you.

me: oh.

-pause-

me: i mean, IF you were my age, you'd understand.

More from Bob Devich

Bob: Do you need a bunch of rubber bands for your apartment?

Me: Um.

Bob: Do you need a rubber band supply?

Me: Well.

Bob: Oh, of course you do. I'll put some with your stuff.

Me: Oh, okay.

You: What's new?

Me: Oh, not too much. I've decided that I'm straight now, though.

You: Oh? How's that treating you?

Me: It's basically the same, except that now I'm living a lie. So it's much more mysterious.

Lunch with Z

Z: Have you been following the World Cup?

me: A little bit.

Z: You're not so into it?

me: Well, I'd probably be more into it if it were the ladies.

Z: Yeah.

me: And if they were playing beach volleyball.

What makes Alana sad?

Saying buh-bye to The Painted Ground, his bride, and their kids.

What makes me laugh?:

him: Want to sit on the floor?

her: I can't sit on the floor now, I won't be able to get up.

me: Want to sit in my lap?

him: Alana, stop hitting on my wife.

me: Okay.

Enjoy Portland, you guys. If you meet M. Ward, tell him he's a surly Indian woman who hates my armpit hair.

me: How come there isn't any chocolate in this house for my snack?

pause

dad: Hm. Because I eat it all? Because I LUB it? I LUB IT!

Thirty Days of Turning Thirty

Day Twenty: More Yoga

me: KK, I have a huge problem I need to tell you about.

KK: Oooh, what is it?

me: Well, I was admiring myself in the mirror and I was looking at my guns...

flexes muscles to show guns

KK: Of course.

me: Well, I was looking at my right gun and I was all That is one hott gun.

KK: Yeah.

me: And then I looked at my left gun and I was all This gun, not so hott.

KK: Yeah?

me: My guns are UNEVEN!

Thirty Days of Turning Thirty

Day Eighteen: Misspeak

while standing at my desk, flexing my biceps

me: Hey, check out my cans.

her: What?

me: Check out my cans, they're huge.

her: I think you mean guns.