On the rare occasions that my girlfriend leaves me home alone for the weekend I like to pretend I'm a useless husband, left to his own devices in the crazy world called his home.

What's this thing that opens at the top that we put our clothes into every week? How much laundry detergent is too much laundry detergent?

Before my girly left for Florida I asked her how to make a pizza in the oven. She made pizza the night before last and half of the ingredients are left over for a second pizza to be made.

-Take the rest of the dough and form it into the pizza shape. Try not to fold it over onto itself, just sort of relax it open.
-What the heck is pizza dough?
-Okay, Alana. Preheat the oven to 500 and put the pizza stone on the bottom rack.
-Don't you think 500 is a little excessive? I mean, does the oven even get that hot?
-Do you want me to tell you how to do this or not?
-Sorry.
-Slice up the scallions and saute them in oil.
-Okay, and remind me again, scallions are what, exactly?
-I give up.
-Gonna miss you.
-Not gonna miss you back.
-Hey, that's my line!