I was on a diet for approximately ten minutes today. I signed up for it, you see. A personalized diet and exercise plan just for me. And once I logged onto it for the first time I realized there was no way in heckarooni I was going to follow the diet, so after about ten minutes of looking up all of the possible substitutions for all of the possible meals, I cancelled my membership and got my money back.

I feel skinnier already.