I've been trying to keep my feet planted on the ground lately. I sit or stand where I am and think "I can feel my feet. I can feel my shoes under my feet. I can feel the ground underneath my shoes, underneath my feet." Usually this helps me when I start to feel a little anxious or start to feel nauseated. Sometimes when I start to feel my feet on the floor I feel a hard ball stuck in the back of my throat. I have been trying not to swallow it down. I've been trying to let it just sit there and run its course.
In therapy yesterday my therapist, Stevie, was wearing jeans and making up words. He did it once with a mischievous grin, and the second time with a straight face. Such a straight face, in fact, that I'm going to look to see if it isn't just some psych-type word I've never heard before. Hold on a second. Nope, *isolationary* is not a word.
I feel like I've taken the first step past the crossroads I have been staring at for the past few months. I've got a ways to walk before I can see what the next section of this path has in store for me. It's exciting and nauseating both at the same time. I'm in a goal-making stage. Trying to figure out the things I need to do to feel like I have a more balanced life, and to move towards being creatively and spiritually fulfilled. That newage crap.
I've been looking at my comedy goals and why comedy feels so tiring lately. I want to make people laugh, but I want it to be more fun and exciting for me when I do it. Stevie helped me to realize yesterday that I don't have any defined comedy goals. I've achieved my first goal ("let me see if I can do this comedy thing") and now I need to figure out why I want to do it. I need to give it a purpose beyond the immediate laughter so I can stop getting so lost in the tidal wave of pre- and post- performance anxieties. I need something to hold on to that's bigger than whether or not the audience liked my Lisa Bonet joke (although they are retarded if they don't like it).
Whenever I get to this stage with something I hear my mom's voice in my head. She always reminds me that I can't be bored. "Alana," she says, "it sounds like you're bored, and you know that's not good. You get surly when you're bored. Find a challenge." So I'm finding a new comedy challenge. And once I've done that, I'm gonna rock your world.
In therapy yesterday my therapist, Stevie, was wearing jeans and making up words. He did it once with a mischievous grin, and the second time with a straight face. Such a straight face, in fact, that I'm going to look to see if it isn't just some psych-type word I've never heard before. Hold on a second. Nope, *isolationary* is not a word.
I feel like I've taken the first step past the crossroads I have been staring at for the past few months. I've got a ways to walk before I can see what the next section of this path has in store for me. It's exciting and nauseating both at the same time. I'm in a goal-making stage. Trying to figure out the things I need to do to feel like I have a more balanced life, and to move towards being creatively and spiritually fulfilled. That newage crap.
I've been looking at my comedy goals and why comedy feels so tiring lately. I want to make people laugh, but I want it to be more fun and exciting for me when I do it. Stevie helped me to realize yesterday that I don't have any defined comedy goals. I've achieved my first goal ("let me see if I can do this comedy thing") and now I need to figure out why I want to do it. I need to give it a purpose beyond the immediate laughter so I can stop getting so lost in the tidal wave of pre- and post- performance anxieties. I need something to hold on to that's bigger than whether or not the audience liked my Lisa Bonet joke (although they are retarded if they don't like it).
Whenever I get to this stage with something I hear my mom's voice in my head. She always reminds me that I can't be bored. "Alana," she says, "it sounds like you're bored, and you know that's not good. You get surly when you're bored. Find a challenge." So I'm finding a new comedy challenge. And once I've done that, I'm gonna rock your world.
Alana wrote this crap at
6:57 AM
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