Some mornings, like this one, I get into work and turn on the radio and stare at it, as if it were a television. I imagine what I would be like as a DJ on a college radio station playing the folk music. I wonder what sort of witty banter I might have. I also do this sort of wondering when I watch television shows with the chit-chat. Shows like Dinner and a Movie or anything on public access.

The first time my girlfriend realized that I talk to myself in the mirror she laughed, now she appears to just accept it as fact. I do entire monologues, radio interviews, comedy routines, tearful responses to the questions asked to me by Baba Wawa. I re-enact my side of arguments I had with exboys and exgirls years ago. I do not do this when she is around, but she's figured out that I do it. She first caught on when she noticed that her hairbrush had been moved. I had been using it as a microphone.

I am not comfortable cooking around my girlfriend (or anyone else). I don't really like to be watched when I do things. This might be a result of being stared at when I'm onstage, having my words listened to and judged immediately. I think I expect immediate and brutal judgement whenever people are watching me do anything. When I help my girlfriend cook something, or she helps me cook something, I make it into a cooking show: What you're going to want to do here is get you your wooden spoon and mix this together, paying special mind not to over-mix. It takes the focus off my ineptitude and puts it instead on my hilarious hijinks.

I am notorious for shouting at friends to STOP STARING AT ME. I know, but most people don't, that this is a reference to the comic genius of Emo Philips [Bonus points to anyone who can name the reference] . My fourth boyfriend compared me to our pet rat, Karma, who would freeze whenever you watched her. I would be in the middle of a project--hammering something, or wiring something--and he would walk over to see what I was doing, and I would just stop, waiting for him to leave. Sometimes I would play it off by starting a conversation about something. Most often when I feel uncomfortable I excuse myself to use the restroom. I can use the restroom several times in an hour.

Speaking of the restroom, I think I'd better go use it now.