I have anger that is sitting at the bottom of my stomach. I can't eat anything and it's hard to focus my eyes. I've dealt with it all I think I can, but it isn't going away, and I've been told that the best thing to do is to sit with it and let it pass. Emotions aren't my strongest suit, I'm at my best when I can be on the middle ground. Not too happy, not too sad, not too angry. Maybe middle ground, but leaning towards happy is my best possible mood. Otherwise I get anxious and don't know what to do with myself or my hands or my thoughts or my mouth.

I never used to have anxiety attacks, although I'm not convinced that's what these are. Where I walk down the street and think that my throat is constricting. Or where I have to lay down on my back and breathe slowly and tell my heartbeat to slow down all the while feeling my heart pounding in my head and chest and throat and stomach and wanting to get up because it feels like the whole bed is shaking with my heartbeat.

Hm. This isn't funny. What will my fans think? I could try a classic Alana and make it funny by adding something at the very end that doesn't quite follow. Something like "the whole bed is shaking with my heartbeat. And also because I left my vibrator turned on!" Or I could go for the self-deprecating punchline. Something like "the whole bed is shaking with my heartbeat...and the weight I've gained" but that's too Cathy. I don't make jokes about my weight or swimsuits. I could erase it all and write a list of something clever. Hm. Well, let's make a deal, I'll forgive myself the self-indulgent post, and if you are dying to laugh, you can go here.