I'm going to start running my personal life like a business. All friends are going to get timesheets which they can submit to me monthly. I will compensate them for:
1. Time spent with me
2. Time spent talking to me on the phone
3. Time spent composing emails or letters to me
4. Time spent reading my emails or letters
Compensation will consist mostly of other things that will be added to their timesheets. Things such as dinners, drinks, and more emails.

At the beginning of each calendar year I will sit with each of my friends and we will establish their objectives as they relate to their always blossoming relationship with me. Bonuses will be awarded based on their ability to surpass those objectives. These objectives will be reviewed quarterly.

At year end, each friend will have an opportunity to review how I have done over the course of the past year.

There will, of course, be retention packages for those who are in it for the long haul. Severance packages will be up to the individual friend. I suggest a couple soul-cleansing hours of burning everything I have given them.